ultramellow

I need to chill out.  It's hard because I'm graduating in two weeks and not ready to leave the academic safety net yet.  Yikes.  I'm going to be working on my thesis over the summer while looking for a job.  I want to stay in SB perhaps for an extra month but I have to re-elvauate my finances.  I also want to take a trip somewhere because I think I deserve it.  Maybe credit card debt won't be so bad?

I've also been eating really poorly lately because I have no time to cook.  I've been craving a cigarette for weeks now, but (knock on wood) have not yet caved.  Did smoke out the other night though, but I don't think it has the same effects on me anymore.  I guess I will always prefer alcohol. 

The jacaranda trees are in full bloom now in SB.  They are lovely!!! and when the petals fall to the ground it's like a lavender carpet of loveliness.  I am, however, sick of the May gray/June gloom.  I need to work on my tan dammit. 

Blue planet + radiohead = epic. 

What does a quarter life crisis feel like? 

I want to have a graduation soiree at some point, I'll keep you posted.

Back to thesis madness. 

Santa Barbara is burning!!!  I can see a huge cloud of smoke from my house and from campus---it's really scary and sad.  These winds seriously need to die down.  Also, my allergies are making me want to shoot myself right about now.  I can't wait to go home and hide in my room.  Achooo

i don't know how i stayed in this cubicle for three hours.  Perpetually being stood up for booze...which is totally legit, i suppose.  

I'm so tired these days.  and i absolutely despise this weather......

 

This quarter has been a bust in many ways, but also enlightening, fun, painful, sad, stressful...in any case, I am excited for spring break.  One more week!!!! 
Can't believe I am missing SXSW.  At least I will get to gorge on queso, migas, and tri-tip.  And I get to see Tri and Christine!  But first, my econ paper...does anyone want to write it for me?

One great thing about being a student is that I can go home and take naps when I don't have class; I did that today and passed out for two hours.  I woke up super-disoriented and even more tired.  I also had a really horrible/bizarre dream where me, Hong, Michelle, Phung and Xuan were eating at this fancy restaurant.  We started arguing with the wait staff about something and then started yelling at each other.  It got really heated.  I don't remember what it was about.  We then started fighting with the servers and I kicked one of them in the head.  Then we all lef the restaurant.  It was terrible.  I have no idea what a dream like this could mean.  In any case, I've never napping again.

It's been a little difficult to focus on school mainly because I'm worried that I won't be able to find a job when I graduate.  I hate feeling so uncertain, especially with all of this debt I've accumulated and the economy being the way it is.  I seriously have perfect timing.  I've been second-guessing myself a lot lately--thinking about a lot of what-ifs and missed opportunities.  I guess I'm just in a funk.  I may need to head back to Garden Grove because it's getting a bit isolating here and although I have tons of work to do, I spend a lot of it over-thinking and over-analyzing and going crazy.  Nothing like old friends and family to shake these doubts out of my head and tell me everything is going to be alright.  Even if it isn't, it's good to have hope right?  I mean, I have no other alternative.

I'm cooking a lot more which is really fun, and a lot more healthy.  No more buying pizza for lunch.  I did that like every single week last year.  It was bad.  I love watching Top Chef; it really motivates me to cook.  I want to be more adventurous in the kitchen.  Last week I made chicken gumbo and this week I'm going to make spaghetti carbonara.

Went to a yoga class for the first time in months today.  It was good to be back, but it got pretty painful at the end.  My legs started to shake involuntarily because we had to hold the poses for so long.  I need to fit more yoga time into my schedule.

Long day tomorrow.  and then slumdog and then eighties night at Qs.  Gotta enjoy it right?

i love these ads

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/good_idea_man_submits_drawing.php

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After having been in Taiwan, all these theoretical classes seem like an utter waste of time to me.  Which is a shame because I used to like theory.  Still adjusting to student life, and Santa Barbara life.  The latter is a lot easier though.  

I'm a seven-minute walk to the beach.  The weather has been lovely. 

I'm adding on yet another class so that I won't die next quarter when I'm TA'ing.

I think I'll go grocery shopping today.  Lately I have been surviving on bread, cheese, fruit, and cookies that Cindy baked me.  Time for some diversity.  I just washed "Fast Food Nation" and am considering giving up red meat forever.  Maybe. well maybe just eat free-range, organic.  

The Barefoot Contessa is making Whiskey sours.  I love her.  

I met with Ambassador Mark Lagon (from the Office to Monitor and Combat Trafficking in DC) last Sunday to talk about my experiences in Taiwan.  He seems like a good guy, too bad he'll be out of a job come January 20th.  And apparently I was supposed to be on Vietnamese TV but they cut out my speaking part.  Bastards!

I almost ran over a cat yesterday.  Not on purpose of course.

If you have some free time and don't know what to do with yourself, peruse the Trafficking in Persons Report put out by the State Department--it's a good, sobering read.  http://www.state.gov/g/tip/rls/tiprpt/2008/

I have too many lists.  I need to stop creating lists of things to do and instead just do.   I have some practical ones though:  friends’ birthdays, travel checklists, music I need to download, people I need to call, grocery lists...  Then there are the very random and in retrospect, unnecessary ones.  It’s just when something pops into my head that is remotely interesting or cool (to me), I instinctually need to write it down because I despise that feeling you get when you forget something and are trying so hard to remember.  That was a really terrible sentence.  Anyway, I think one of the worst things that can happen to me is that I write down a perfect grocery list, and then forget it at home.  It makes me mentally and physically tired trying to remember everything and then I always have that sinking feeling that I’ve forgotten something.  I have lists in files on my laptop, lists scribbled on scraps of paper in my purse, notes in my planner, emails to myself, lists in my journal, mental notes (which defeats the whole purpose of writing down a list), etc.  Maybe it is a little much?   

Could there be a subtext to all of this?  Yes.  I value efficiency, organization, and maximization.  Or maybe I’m just a boring person who always whips out her lists and never does anything spontaneous or creative.  Anyway, sometimes they’re just silly.  I have list of songs I want played at my theoretical wedding.  I have list of things I need to eat once I get back to the States (really, Caroline?...Sprinkles cupcakes is on there by the way, and in-n-out).  List of places I need to travel to (not crazy at all).  Books I want to read (again, not crazy)  I have a list of songs that would be fun to karaoke to (perhaps debatable) .  Restaurants I want to eat at.  Recipes I want to try out.  Things I would buy if I ever found myself with extra cash (a meal at French Laundry, a snowboard).  A list of drinking games.  Magazines I want to subscribe to.  List of baby names.  A list of party themes. Maybe I should have written this entry as a list.

 
So now you know my secret.  This can’t be normal right?      

I'm particularly fond of the first one.  The writing's too small to read, but it says that one should consult the monkey experts in green uniform should any of the monkeys become too unruly.   Most of them were really cute, but the larger ones were a bit scary and they come up really close to you!  The second sign is outside a dive center, and the third outside a cafe, both in Gili Trawangan. 

and now.  what we've all been waiting for....

tw.youtube.com/watch

15:29] carolinele84: ciao
[15:31] carolinele84: don't let the man get to you.
[15:31] gummiebear8998: what?!
[15:31] carolinele84: you know, the man
[15:31] gummiebear8998: oh
[15:31] carolinele84: geez
[15:31] gummiebear8998: i read 'dont let the man get you;
[15:31] carolinele84: hahahhaa
[15:31] gummiebear8998: what man?!
[15:31] carolinele84: now that's just creepy
[15:31] gummiebear8998: it is
[15:31] carolinele84: the man = retarded authority figures
[15:32] gummiebear8998: or just some random hobo
[15:32] carolinele84: right
[15:32] carolinele84: that too
[15:32] gummiebear8998: too bad
[15:32] gummiebear8998: the man is getting to me
[15:34] gummiebear8998: well goodnight sir
[15:34] carolinele84: goodnight dude
[15:34] gummiebear8998: (auto-response from gummiebear8998) chocolate ice cream and brownies -_-

I was super-stressed out about my project that I'm doing for the Vietnamese Migrant Workers and Brides Office, but now the wheels are turning and it's really exciting.  It feels good to have worked hard on something and seeing things through.  My only concern is that I only have about two more months here and the days are going by so fast.  There is so much to do.  Plus I have to travel outside two more times to renew my visa--not that I'm complaining or anything, but my wallet is draining.  Fast! 

Thailand was nice because the exchange rate was friendly.  I really want to go to Tokyo but frankly I don't think I can afford it.  I'll be travelling by myself this next time and I'm excited but slightly nervous.  I've never actually done it before unless you count random excursions around Holland and Germany, but in the end I met up with someone.  So, I'm going to be alone and in a foreign country for my 24th birthday.  Things can either be really awesome...or not.  Haha, we'll see. 

Being here has afforded many opportunities for existential crises.  I am surrounded by great people who make me laugh, smile and allow me to optimistic about the world.  But at the same time, there are so many layers to these people--my friends, and I'm slowly learning about the pain and suffering they endured.  My roommate is the real deal, I can only hope to be the strong and courageous woman that she is.  I think I love her.  She makes feel good about humanity.  She is able to stay strong and ride the waves despite the unfairness (is that a word?) of life. 

Am in Ko Phi Phi right now in the south of Thailand.  It's probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, but it's raining like crazy right now.  Need to go look for a bungalow.

The food is amazing.  The people are super friendly and nice, and I met some gorgeous lady-boys last night.  One looked like Rihanna.  Basically I love this place.

I have the worst headache right now.  It rained really hard today, but it's warm and humid--actually extra steamy because of the rain.  Blah. 

I spent the weekend in Taipei translating for part of film that's exhibiting at the Taipei Biennial.  It was really hard work!  I now appreciate film makers a lot more (especially art house/documentary film makers).  Editing is a bitch, you have to be so precise!  And I'm usually pretty mellow but I found myself yelling at the director.  It was ok because he was yelling at me also.  We shared laughs at the end though.  I hope you all get to see it if it ever comes to the States.  Since it's an art piece, it's not going to be commercially distributed which is a bummer because I think everyone should hear these stories.  Mario (the director) interviewed Vietnamese, Indonesian, and Filipino brides/trafficked victims.  It's heart-wrenching.  I almost had to walk out of the room when one of the women described how her employer treated her when she got to Taiwan.  It may appear on BBC or Al-Jazeera if all goes well. 

What a learning experience!

My director is going to take me out for "four free drinks" tomorrow.  I haven't consumed alcohol in ages. 

The weather is strange; I think I need to go lie down now. 

01/09/08

 

Today a so-called church group came and visited our office.  They were from Seattle.  There were about 10 or so of them including this kid who was a sophomore in college.  They are in Taiwan for three days before heading to Vietnam to lead prayer groups or as the kid says, “it’s basically a vacation.”  So these old first generation Vietnamese Americans are taking a vacation and praying a little and the kid is just tagging along for a free trip I guess.  OK.  The thing that bothered me the most was the lady who was sitting next to me at lunch.  My god, I really wanted to hit her.  OK, not really but.  She says she has lived in the US for 25 years.  She’s probably older than Mommy and her English is pretty decent.  She has three grown kids.  Anyway, first I told her that there were two pairs of chopsticks to use (one to take food with, and the other to eat with—pretty simple).  She didn’t use them properly; I had to remind her.  If you’re going to come into someone’s house, then you should respect the rules of the house.  She wasn’t an exception just because she was from America.  She should have known better.  Second of all, she didn’t eat the rice that was served to her and proceeded to scoop it into another bowl.  I just thought that she wasn’t hungry but later she asked me to go get her some rice from the middle of the pot because I guess the other rice was from the bottom.  Sorry, your majesty.  Who the fuck do you think you are?!!!  And I’m not your fucking servant.  There were so many things that bothered me about her.  I was so mad the whole time but I just sat there and tried to tolerate it.  Anh Chi were so nice to her that I thought I should do the same as she was a guest.  Then she had the audacity to say that the fish was too bland (and she was speaking to the whole table)—I then commented really loudly that the fish was delicious and scooped more into my bowl.  She then told me in English that she thought everything was overcooked.  Oh, and we don’t really use napkins when we eat and we put all of our bones (fish, chicken, etc.) on the table and then clean it up later.  She then made some comment to the effect of, “Where are the napkins, you people don’t use them here?!”  So I try to refrain from punching anyone in the face at a meal, and it was really hard this time…but I managed.  What else?  So she kept commenting on how different the food was and I was so confused because it was Vietnamese food after all.  I asked her if she eats Vietnamese food and she said yes, but she cooks it differently.  Keep in mind that this lady is like older than my Mom.  I would maybe be a little less critical if she was Cindy’s age or something, but she lived through the war and knows how impoverished Vietnam is (you would think!).  She was older than me so I really tried to be civil but it was really difficult.  There was definitely indignation in my tone of voice and I hope she sensed it.  She also kept throwing in English words in her conversations and she should know better than I do that these people might not understand.  And she would correct them rudely saying that a telephone is a “phone” and not a “dien thoai.”  It’s just common decency to respect people who may not be like you and not criticize, especially if you are the guest.  My god she had the worse superiority complex.  Sorry lady, just step off (or fall off) your high horse and realize that you just happen to be lucky that you made it to America.  You’d think she’d be more cultured, and educated, and open-minded and just DECENT being given the opportunities that living in the US affords.  Well, yeah, no.  Fuck it was infuriating to sit through that.  These are my friends here, and you don't talk to them like that. 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7592942.stm
I'm scheduled to leave for Thailand on Friday.  I have the best timing.

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And although they drive me nuts sometimes, I miss my family--they are going camping with out me:
[11:07] carolinele84: where's the bbq?
[11:07] gummiebear8998: and theyve been arguing about food for the last half hour
[11:07] gummiebear8998: yeah
[11:07] gummiebear8998: at our house
[11:07] gummiebear8998: they even argued about what kinda noodles to bring
[11:08] gummiebear8998: cuz everyones half drunk
[11:08] carolinele84: LOL
[11:08] carolinele84: sounds like our family
[11:08] carolinele84: is everyone there?
[11:09] gummiebear8998: yup
[11:30] gummiebear8998: theyre so loud even fred is sitting at the door listening
[11:30] gummiebear8998: daddy is quite drunk
[11:30] carolinele84: aww poor fred

I don't have aim here, so get on facebook chat whenever you can.

Miss you all.

I seriously don't know how people operate in this heat and humidity.  I kinda wished I shaved my head.  Eeeek.  The upside though is I have a dewy complexion which can be nice I suppose.

To counter the jetlag, I decided to stay awake for the entire day and sleep when the Taiwanese sleep.  So it's currently 6:30pm local time, but almost 4am pacific time.  My body hates me. 

In other news, everyone I've met so far is really nice.  Most of them have a super thick Northern Vietnamese accent, which can be hard to understand sometimes.  I've found that my Vietnamese isn't as bad as I thought it was, though it definitely can use some help.  So I'm going to help them learn English, and I'm sure my Vietnamese will get better after this experience.  I've heard some stories from the ladies, and it's quite sad the circumstances they are in, but I think I've barely scratched the surface concerning the gravity of their situations.  I'm really glad that I'm here.

The flight was well, looooong.  13 hours in one seat with crappy food and recycled air makes for a very exhausted Caroline. 

I need a nap.

Today it had just dawned on me that I would be in Asia during the Beijing Olympics and should perhaps seize the opportunity.  I never really thought about it before because I figured the city would be ridiculously crowded, everything would be expensive, etc.  But I just decided to check out some prices because I'd save some money if I could stay with Justin.  Well, a ticket from Taipei to Beijing is around 1200 USD ($300 more than my roundtrip airfare from LAX to Taipei), and an average ticket for the opening ceremonies is 4200 USD.  Crazy isn't it ?  I would love to be in London for the 2012 Olympics but that city is just obscenely pricey so I don't know about that.  I say World Cup 2010 though sounds like a definite possibility.  Or perhaps the Winter Olypmics that year in Vancouver which would be so sick because I love that place.  Yay international sports. 

If everything goes well, I hope to be in Thailand in September!!!  ::Fingers crossed::